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| i've tried to put how i'm feeling right now into words, but nothing seems to justify it. I hate wishing time away, but I really can't wait to get to school. summer has been a nice break, but not what i wanted it to be at all. new hampshire is only the place i used to call home. school is my home now, and i'm perfectly fine with that.
16 days until i go home. | | |
| i am stressed. i am upset. i feel broken. i feel like i am going to lose your friendship over something that neither of us had control over. i was stupid. you were stupid. WE WERE FUCKING STUPID. it would be so stupid to let one stupid night ruin the bond we had before. i don't think i could handle that. i am changing. i am growing up. it sucks that it took this situation to make me stand up and realize that i have to actually actively try to be a mature "adult." weird...adult. one more thing could break this camels back. and i don't want to see myself hit rock bottom. i just need a hug and to cry in someone's arms.
it's just a waiting game at this point. | | |
| it blows my mind that i have had this xanga since middle school. it blows my mind even more how long ago middle school was. time really has flown faster than i ever would have expected it to. I've had more ups than downs, thank god. and i some how made it through the "hardest years of your life." everything that has happened to me in these last 7 years have absolutely formed me to the person that i am today. and there are fore sure, people who have had more than a heavy impact on me. i can assure you that if you are reading this, you have most definitely made an impact on me and i thank you for that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftnjUpoCHAg&feature=related | | |
| Yesterday, my friend here, Kelliannes', Dad died. It made me just want to hug my dad and it is absolutely killing me that I can't. Tonight, I feel lonely and I'm longing for home. I have been happy up to this point. Acting class involves a lot of delving deep inside to our darkest emotions. I decided to do some extra work tonight and it brought me to this place of sadness. I miss my bed, shackelton, my mom, my family, the palace marquee, dressing room 2, cahl, dj and ariana, tyler, everything and everyone that has meant home to me in the years past. I knew that it was going to be hard, but it hasn't been until tonight. I just want to snuggle up in my bed with my dog and my best friend. I want to sit and talk and fight with my mom over something so mundane, yet seemingly, so important. I want my dad to tell me to cut back on the money spending. And for Carl to make fun of me. I have never missed anything so much as I miss New Hampshire right now.
I never thought I would be able say that. | | |
| Today, I ran into a friend from school. We said hello and exchanged what schools we were going to. We talked for a few minutes and when it was time to part I said "see you later!!.... well..." she continued with "...probably not... it's a fact of life. but good luck in life!!"
That's fucking scary. It's finally hit me that it's time to move on. There's no time to question whether I'm ready or not, because it's approaching quickly and it's not stopping for anything.
This summer has been the least relaxing three months of my life. I have been going non-stop and have hardly taken anytime for myself. I haven't seen any friends that haven't been at the Palace... world outside the theatre has hardly existed to me. Obviously I have been spending my time doing something that I love, but it's not easy to constantly be working and receive little to no award for it.
I am hardly ready to move on.. and it seems like I'm the only one. In the past week, so much has changed. I am so overwhelmed with my lack of knowledge of the situations at hand that I don't know what to do with myself. It's hard to watch your best friend change before your eyes and have them think nothing of it.
I have been cool, calm and collected up until tonight and I can guarantee you that this weekend will only shake me up that much more.
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. "
that sucks. | | |
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